"Never expect things to be good" A blog from Chris Welton

Thursday 29 May 2008

I'm really not a Russell Brand fan...

...but if rumours of him hosting a reprised version of the absolute classic gameshow the Crystal Maze ("Get out! Get the crystal!) are true, I'd have to say he would be an excellent candidate for a very challenging hosting role.

Imagine the possibilities of a Brand new (very drole...) Crystal Maze with all the advancements in television. But, let's be honest, they tend to cock these remakes up. So, here are my top tips:

Stick to the same format - We don't want to see teams competing against each other; No families, only grown-ups; There has to be the Crystal Dome finish; There absolutely has to be the crappy prize of a Crystal in a box. etc

Do not, under any circumstances - Try to include CGI into the challenges or surroundings! Large, semi-realistic sets are a must, not computerised worlds filmed in front of a blue screen.

Zones: Aztec, Futuristic and Medieval were all winners. Ocean World was pants. A forth, equally brilliant world must be created.

Will Brand turn out to be a fantastic Richard O'Brien or a lame Ed Tudor-Pole? Either way I'm tuning in. I think this could be a proper Saturday/Sunday night winner!

Thoughts?

Friday 23 May 2008

Ministry of Gaming, Edinburgh

I’m not embarrassed to say I really wanted to just sit back and play video games last night. There’s nothing wrong with that. In fact, if you follow the money, you’ll see that video games are overtaking both the music and movie industry. But having recently moved about and being stuck on a rather slow computer with a dodgy cable connection I haven’t been able to get my fix.

Luckily Edinburgh is home to the Ministry of Gaming. Located on Bread Street this place claims to be “Edinburgh’s hub for competitive and community gaming” and it isn’t hard to see why. Buzzing with younger blokes (stereotype confirmed) at around 7pm on a Thursday night, the set up is reminiscent of all the best things about Laser Quest when you were little. “Wow....it’s like the future!” There are almost 30 very very powerful computers for gaming, with your own login, comfy black leather chair and headphones to zone yourself in.

The speed of the connection is staggering and forces n00b gamers like myself to refrain from blaming lag for my constant dying and lack of killing. Oh yeah, before I go on, the game I play is CounterStrike: Source. If you haven’t read about it, CS is one of the most popular for online competitive gaming with competitions going on across the world, as well as at MoG. It is a first-person shooter pitting Terrorists vs. Counterterrorists.

And there’s one other thing you should know about CS. I’m not very good. I stink in fact. But even worse than that, in MoG, where you'll find the finest gamers Edinburgh has to offer, I failed repeatedly to even get the programme running. My inability forced me to ask the very helpful staff for help no fewer than three times. Luckily, this isn’t jock land where I would be publicly mocked and humiliated for this kind of idiocy (Since when have I lived in a US High school?!?)

Anyway...When I finally got going, the time flew along. My hour (£4; prices per hour drop the more time you pay for) was filled with a few spasms of excitement as I smelt my first kill, duly getting p0wned, and many many “expletive deleted” outbursts.

For me, MoG is a great place to play your favourite games on computers that can actually run them! But clearly it is a “hub” for gaming, and anyone with a slight inkling to give it a try will find themselves rewarded with gentle assistance, stunning equipment and a fantastic array of games.

Wanna know what I’m like playing CS? Boom headshot!

Ministry of Gaming is open Mon - Sat 10am till 10pm and Sun - 10am till 8pm
www.tmog.co.uk/

Fancy reading more about Gaming? Check out Dave Cook's blog

Tuesday 20 May 2008

As MPs debate Abortion...

...I implore you to watch this video.

Monday 19 May 2008

You know those guitars that are like, double guitars?

I have been pretty rigid with my music lately. Everyday is the same couple of albums, and they're all new. It got me thinking. What would a Supergroup from these bands look like? Well....hold your breath....cos here we go!

Singer: Tommy Rogers - Between the Buried and Me.
A phenomenal metal singer with a genuinely good voice too. Seeing BTBAM supporting Dillinger Escape Plan, I was completely taken aback how precise and perfect his vocals were live. His intensity is overwhelming while the bipolar journey the songs take you on really magnify his excellent range.

Bassist: Chris Cain - We are Scientists.
Ok it's time for some much needed coolness. Who better to fill the roll than the whiteboy afro and tash legend from the excellent We are Scientists. If you watch an interview with Cain, you'll know what I'm talking about. Witty, quick and smooth, this guy is the opposite of what bassists usually are (I'm looking at you Nate Mendel!)

Lead Guitar: It's amazing when you dislike a band so much, they go and change their sound, alienating a lot of their original fans - just to get you on board. I disliked Panic! at the Disco so much, and yet their new album is superb. Equal parts delightful pop and country, it is so far removed from the hideous pretentious 'clever' punk sound they went for before. Thus, I am awarding my lead guitar to Ryan Ross from Panic at the Disco (even though he looks five-years old).

Drummer: Goodness it would be easy to throw in the BTBAM drummer here. But no...I won't. I'm giving it to Jack Bevan from Foals. A token indie drummer granted, but Bevan is spectacularly metronomic.

Rhythm Guitar: A cheeky pick here really. I'm going for Alex Turner from the Last Shadow Puppets. Proving himself to be the most accomplished and fantastic artist of our current generation, Turner is also a darned good (sometime) backing singer with the Last Shadow Puppets. Add to this his nifty guitar skills, I think he'll do nicely.

What would they sound like? A hybrid of indie, pop, electronica and metal, or in other words, a big pile of rubbish.

Sunday 18 May 2008

Manchester - some perspective

There's a great piece by Tom English in today's Scotland on Sunday about the violence following Ranger's loss in the UEFA Cup final.

It is good to finally see someone hit the nail square on the head in the Scottish media for what was a disgraceful turn of events.

Read the article in full here

All eyes are now firmly on the Chelsea and Manchester United fans this coming Wednesday in Moscow for the Champions League final. Let's just hope we don't have a repeat of Manchester.

Saturday 17 May 2008

Que Sera, Sera...

Well, the unthinkable has happened. Rochdale AFC, the most "unsuccessful club" in English football (famed for never leaving the lowest flight in the football league) are going to the play-off final to battle Stockport for a place in League One

Beating Darlington on penalties today means the Dale are off to Wembley for the first time in their 100 year history.

My love affair with the club started two years ago after my uncle's company MMC became sponsors. Ok, so not the most romantic football story, but a few games at Spotland has turned me into a fully fledged supporter.

And having experienced the horror/joy of actively supporting a team in the playoffs, I can safely say I can't wait for Wembley. Whether I can make it down or not is not decided, either way, the Dale are going up.

I'm so confident in fact, I've created a Hubdub question, so think I'm wrong? Take me on here.

Wednesday 14 May 2008

"The Finale" Review (10 years late) Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Ten years to the day, "The Finale" was broadcast to an audience of 76 million views. (To the day! How spooky is that?!?) And, last night, I finally watched the last ever episode of the legendary show, Seinfeld.

I may be ten years late, but fate has brought me to this point. My casual purchase of Season's 1-3 in a sale at HMV last year started something. A pathway which led to my bedroom last night (steady...). Lying watching my TV I finally, with all the character and show history correctly viewed and etched in my memory, enjoyed "The Finale", exactly ten years after it was originally screened. Just imagine, all those people back then with their small TVs and slow internet.

I can't remember ever watching Seinfeld on the TV. I know I knew about it. But something inside me insinuated that isn't up my street. Very strange indeed really, when, having completed Series One, I realised any reservations were completely unfounded, and that Seinfeld will be one of my favourite shows ever.

Why is it so good? Well it's clearly not lost anything over time as the humour is still spot on. It isn't about "nothing" but the conversations, some of the plots and settings are normal, allowing the legendary characters to make this show. Watched in a group, it is even funnier. Lol funny.

My favouite episode? Well it's hard to look past "The Contest" ("I'm out!") but I also hold the "The Parking Garage" and "The Merv Griffen Show" in super high regard.

And "The Finale"? What of that...Well it's certainly not what I expected (a similar reaction, I've learnt, to the original broadcast) but it captured how innovative Seinfeld was. A long time ago I wrote a blog about the best endings to TV shows ever..."The Finale" is great in so many ways, and I was on tenterhooks for the closing, but tbh I wouldn't put it up there. More, it should be remembered for the season which led up to that point. Finally hitting his stride without Larry, Seinfeld season 9 is right up there with the superb early series.

There's no doubting Seinfeld's 'classic TV' tag and it is now firmly in my rotating cycle of DVDs I can watch over and over and over...(add to this Curb, Scrubs and Simpsons).

Ten years young and still rocking. How it isn't overtly-syndicated on TV like Friends I'll never know.

Boy, these pretzels are makin' me thirsty.

Tuesday 13 May 2008

The Bible Code: 2008

Alright, so not exactly the Bible Code...but do you remember that book? I was a young gullible fellow when I picked up a copy from the local library. It translated messages that were encoded in the Hebrew bible. A total load of tosh tbh where if you looked hard enough you could decode absolutely anything (just look at the windings September 11 coincidence.)

Well today, something of similar, yet truthful and exciting, nature happened to me.

Dissecting my shorthand notes from a recent meeting, I noticed a pattern. If I focused on certain words on certain lines, I was given a message. A message which spoke volumes and needed to be translated to you all urgently.

Please take a moment now to observe the message I discovered (a la Joseph Smith, Jr)....


The shorthand (from different lines and taken out of context) reads:
I'm...I...finished...worst

Alone as scripture, it means nothing. And yet, together these teeline words illustrate perfectly a cheeky chappy pulling a funny face and giving us a wink.

Feel free to pass on this amazing discovery. It offers genuine positivity.

Saturday 10 May 2008

Premiership Final Day - A reflection

Well, that's it. The final day of the Premiership gave everything one would expect and more. Now that the dust has settled, it’s time to look back…wait…let me clarify myself - you haven't missed the end of the Football Premiership...no that's tomorrow! Today saw the final day of the Guinness Premiership regular season. That's Rugby union don't you know.

As with football, the final day of the rugby union premiership is an absolute mathematical game. Throw in bonus points for 4 tries scored and only losing by seven, and it makes things even more complicated. Four teams still had the chance to get into the top four, thus giving them a semi-final, which then leads to a Grand Final type occasion. All to play for on the final day, this was electric.

TV gave us the top two - Gloucester vs Bath. And just like a disgusting rain-soaked Rec earlier in the season, viewers were treated to the best the English Premiership had to offer. As a pair of matches, these were frenetic, entertaining and extremely physical and proved - ELVS be damned - the English premiership is by-far and away the most entertaining club league competition in the world.

Avram Grant recently said that maybe, in this occasion as the top two look set to finish on equal points, a 'final' should be arranged. He may have a point when you look at the thrill of the Guinness Premiership.

On display is a great amalgamation of what rugby has to offer. You've got the English experience of Grewcock and Borthwick mixed with what is effectively the future of the England team with Lamb and Banahan. Add to this some hugely influential foreigners like Butch James and Marco Bortolami and you can see the spread of quality that gifts this league.

Of course, I don't want to get into a high and mighty ramble about why I feel rugby is better than football, but let me highlight some of the intricacies which makes it such a fantastic sport - with focus on today's action.

The Gloucester players playing at home at Kingsholm walked through the crowd into the ground pre-match. Isn't that lovely? I even once saw Andrew Sheridan on TV getting dropped off by a mate for a game. You wouldn't see a defensive superstar from football in a similar predicament would you? But this is the joy of being below football in terms of popular team sports in England. Rugby revels as a furiously competitive professional sport still in touch with its amateur roots, whereas football creates demi-gods of its participants.

Another area which benefits rugby is the recognition of defence. In rugby, as with Gloucester’s, predominately, defensive heroics today, teams are credited and championed for digging deep and defending. Football doesn't have this luxury. It pains me when a football team produces a magnificent defensive display - last ditch tackles, phenomenal ariel presence and tight all across the park - and all anyone can talk about is how the other team 'deserved something' from the match. Man Utd beat Barcelona with two incredible defensive displays. But at the end of the day, attacking Barca got the majority of commentator approvals, even though United came in with a clear plan to quell any threat.

Today Bath threw everything at Gloucester in another highly entertaining game and in the end the Cherry and Whites came out on top and get a home tie in the playoffs. In action elsewhere, as a result of mind-boggling mathematical permutations, Leicester (rubbish Leicester!) nicked a spot from Harlequins (lovely 'Quins - despite Strettle's hair)!

Such a explosive final day only serves to whet the appetite for both the playoffs, final and, who can forget, England (surely with Cipriani at the helm) taking on New Zealand in June. (Think you can predict the outcome? Take me on here)

This wonderful weekend of sport is now very much underway. Before the nail biting madness that is Chelsea (hopefully) snatching the title tomorrow, we have the more important business of Rochdale doing the business in the first leg of their playoff hopes. Up the Dale!

Friday 9 May 2008

The Daily Show with Stephen Colbert

In case you hadn’t noticed (and why would you, it’s on FX…) The Colbert Report is finally on UK television.

Want to know the numbers? Well now there are two! We have the full serving of popular American political cable shows now on UK screens (albeit on FX…) on a (nearly) nightly basis (Daily Show: Global Edition? What a crock). Sure we’re a few days out and there are countless US-audience-specific namedrops which fly ever-so high over our heads, but I for one, cannot get enough.

The Colbert Report focuses on the immense character of Stephen Colbert. Satirising American political pundits, like my favourite Bill O’Reilly (If you really want to giggle, Sky+ FOX News for The O’Reilly Factor, trust me) , Colbert produces something completely different to what I’ve become used to on the Daily Show. With John Stewart, you get all the ridiculous best bits from politics and the media in America, with Stewart lapping up the laughs from some perfectly executed gestures/jokes/pen scribbling/shouting. But Colbert is a better character. Heavily unreliant on the audience, his act puts Stewart to shame.

The Colbert Report interviews, with typically anonymous US guests, are much more watchable. Why? Because Colbert’s character still rules over the invited guest, whereas Stewart (and I mean this in the most pleasant terms) panders and engages with guests.

Granted this is only week one of this mighty clash, but I my allegiance to Stewart is already waning. Only time will tell. Which show will be unserieslinked the fastest?

And what a Colbert Report to start on this week. The battle between Colbert and Rain (…“RAIN!!!” *shakes fist*)…amazing.

My name’s Chris. My American TV obsession continues thanks to Brothers and Sisters, Mad Men, Big Bang Theory and Heroes. Keep at it Apprentice and Peep Show! I’m not all the way over to the dark side…yet.

Thursday 8 May 2008

Le Fabuleux destin d'Christophé Welton (2008)


Narrator: Christophé Welton doesn't like
queuing with someone else too close behind him.
He doesn't like
noticing people staring at his old gym clothes.
cooking spaghetti that clumps together to form one big strand.
Christophé Welton likes
to see people stumble and pretend it didn't happen.
to eat big slices of pizza with his hands.
to take all his DVDs,
make sure the discs are in boxes,
and, finally, put everything in a new order


Maintenant...en Francaise si vous play.

Wednesday 7 May 2008

The Edinburgh International Film Festival press launch

"Hey look, I'm Woody, howdy howdy howdy"

I was priviledged enough to go along to the press launch of the Edinburgh international film festival today. A crowded Cinema 1 were treated to some of the potential highlights from what is to come this June.

Two things lept out of the screen and of the programme.

They are....

Wall.e - Pixar are hammering out the pics now. If Ratatouille was anything to go by (and it is...) then this is sure to be another work of art. Lack of dialogue aside, there is a cute robot, who is all alone. Could we be looking at the new eeyore? (When me and my family visited Disney Land in Florida, there was a queue for Whinnie the Pooo, but eeyore was all alone - was it set up that way? Sympathy vote!)

Back to the Future - Clearly not new and rather uninspiring of me posting about this in a blog focusing on the finest Film Festival in UK, but, as my favourite film it is being taken to the max. An outdoor summer screening! Surely there will be face offs over scientific inaccuracies and communal quoting throughout.

"Let's see if you bastards can do 90" GO MARTY!

What is the deal with....?

Welcome to my blog. I have been actively blogging for the company I work for but I felt it was time to shoot the breeze with you fine people with no agenda, a la Bill O'Reilly. But fear not, my slightly moderate musings go nowhere near old Bill, ah what a comforting soul he is.

No, this blog will reflect more of a Seinfeld stand-up routine, but without the giggles. "What's the deal with...?" A study of things in a very much ordinary life of a twenty-something in his first job, living for the weekend. But wait...come back...it's not going to be BORING. I'm not one of these folks who rambles about their dull, mundane and routine lives. I quip a good blog, and hope you can recognise that.

"Good morning, and in case I don't see ya, good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"